I look at my reflection in the mirror and I cannot recognize myself. Is it me or have I aged in these last eight months? Can someone look twice their age in just a few months if bottled up, suppressed emotions surface? It was not only my face that was yelling with pain and burdened emotions but my body too looked and felt old, withered, burnt, and burdened under the pressures of my high expectations. The everlasting need to prove myself to others and most importantly prove to myself. Validation and more validation and I did not even realize how deep I was burying myself under my huge walls of expectations. What was I getting out of all this? Do I deserve an award now for all that I have successfully managed to put myself through? The answer is NO.

The race of human competitiveness and the hunger to achieve one goal after the other left me so burnt out that I did not even realize that I was close to shutting down. Yes, over and out. It’s true, little did I know that there is something like that. It has many names like depression, exhaustion, Migraine, the chemical balance in your body becoming out of sync, chronic lower back problems, constant stomach upsets etc, etc.

Initially, I tried many addictions to cope with my state which at that time seemed completely normal because I was so far end into my misery that I would do anything and everything to come up on the surface because I was drowning. If we don’t listen to our emotions and bodies, which are aligned in ways that I was not even aware of. We get lost in the chaos and rattle race of I, Me, Myself, and the end is far closer than what might appear to you. And then begins the journey of healing which my friend has no time boundaries of completion or let’s just say it’s directly proportional to what you have knowingly or unknowingly put yourself through. This can also be coupled with cultural conditioning, intergenerational trauma, family trauma, and what one willingly chooses for oneself to learn in this lifetime.

My stages of healing came in a big bundle of blows like a storm without any intimation or it did not even consider taking my approval, whether I was ready for it or not. This makes me laugh but that’s been my encounter with healing. Well, you can decide and set an intention that you need healing and recognize the need to work on yourself but you definitely cannot plan what shape or form the healing will imbibe. So there is no set structure or deadlines to it. Just a brave heart, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and compassionate is all that you need. And it’s an everyday commitment to yourself. Like many, my realization too came when I was at the fag end of things. Perhaps the saying is right, it only starts when it completely breaks you.

Although I knew I was slowly breaking earlier I felt the need to stay strong and kept pushing myself sometimes to be the wall and sometimes pushing to the wall. Like many of us, I too felt that being strong and suppressing my emotions makes me appear good. After all, I have an image to maintain. I had all the compassion and empathy to shower on others but had not created any room for myself, which now when I reflect upon makes me sad. My inner child was calling out for love, comfort, and affection and I was so deaf to its wants and needs.

It is quite ironic to acknowledge that whenever anybody would ask me what my goal in life is, I would respond empathetically that I want to be able to help people in a way that would make them better versions of themselves and help them grow and be on a journey of growing alongside them. Because it’s always a parallel and integrated process, not an independent one. And here I was wanting to help others but unable to help myself. Upon realization, I was sucked deep into sadness and a pool of self-pity. And guess who came to my rescue- Dance. Dance has been my soulmate since I regained consciousness of my limbs and my hearing ability to understand rhythm. Dance has never let me down. It brings me immense joy and happiness, it is playful, and meditative and has been a beautiful companion in this lifetime. Although I know it has been with me in some previous lives too because I can feel its presence in my spirit, deep into my bones. Thank you for gracing me with your presence in this lifetime too. I know now I came into this life to Dance. Dance is my vehicle to be close to god/universe/existence. As Einstein says, ‘Dancers are the athletes of god.

It was the element of free flow in movement therapy which is directly representative of one’s emotions that opened the doors of my mind and soul, setting the stage for alignment between the two. When I tuned into myself and began moving freely and listening to the prompts of the facilitator just move and shake off anything that you don’t want your body to have, shake that energy off’ and there it was, I experienced Magic, my lower back pain, which has been my hinderance in more ways than I can explain disappeared. Upon reflection, I realized it was a deep Trauma-based fear residing in my body for ages. The moment of realization came to me like someone had pulled out my heart for a moment and asked me to breathe. I felt numb for the next 24 hours. Woke up at 3 a.m. and just couldn’t sleep. The feeling of numbness was nothing but a plethora of emotions being housed inside of me and my head and heart were unable to comprehend, resulting in numbness.

So the shift was immense and deep. I am still reeling from the effects of it. Because post awareness and acknowledgment comes implementation which is the hard part and also the most liberating one. My reflections and realizations were spread out like these different branches of a tree connected to the primary root of what I call, being yourself completely and unapologetically. And what came with it was standing up for yourself, and your beliefs, not giving in fear, and challenging fear that has been residing in my body in the form of my lower back pain for decades now. Now when I began challenging my physical pain, which is nothing but your unprocessed emotions rejected by your body. I was seeing changes in my emotional being too with daily jobs and decisions. So the shift I saw in my mind was nothing short of magic. Like someone has given me a magic wand and now I can do whatever I want with it. Where was it all this while? It was in me and I was searching for it all over or let’s just say I wasn’t ready to absorb its magic.

Mind and body are like soulmates, one doesn’t function without the other. The tons of emotions you think your mind is processing, trust me your body is keeping a score too. As the popular belief says meditation and yoga help us attain a sync of mind and body. I will say the mind might derail you but your body never lies. So listen to your body, it has treasures of information about yourself and your needs. Take care of it, support it, and learn to love it. Don’t shame it for being thin, overweight, muscular, lean, voluptuous, or meek. Don’t judge it or criticize it.

Sharing with you all what I heard my body tell me and it has helped me. ‘I am you and you are me. So please take good care of me and learn to love me.”, Your body.