Tears rolling down and my voice cracking up is the image I remember each time I lashed out at a loved one. Be it family, a close friend, or even people who care for me immensely. Sometimes while the act and sometimes post it. But each time it hurts, It hurts bad.

Anytime anybody has asked me what really ticks me off or what gets me irritated easily, my reply is always supported by saying that I used to be quite short-tempered and now it’s way better. So what happened? Have I somehow learned to control it or suppress it? I was never fully confident about responding to this question. Because I wasn’t sure what had worked. or not. But I have always known that my threshold of people agitating me has always been low and I have witnessed and expressed it numerous times by either shouting, screaming, speaking inappropriately, or trying very hard to hurt this person who has got me angry. It’s only too late I discovered with the help of my therapist that the real cause behind my anger, which is an equally important emotion in the dictionary of emotions, is sadness.

And suddenly there was this new dawn. Why does one get angry? Have you ever thought about it deeply? It is because there is this part of us that becomes either sad or doesn’t know what to do and how to react and an impulse takes over to protect ourselves. We just get all geared up to hurt this person who is merely serving as a trigger to our sadness. But the real need of the hour which we are trying to satisfy by getting angry is protecting ourselves. And trust me, each time my anger comes calling, the energy it consumes out of me is a lot. And post the incident I only repent not only feeling empathetic for the person facing my wrath but also for myself. Because I have observed when I get angry I turn into a completely different person who I am more than often not able to recognize. Cold, ruthless, numb, harsh, minus any human emotions (at least that is what I thought) And post such an episode, I would be so sad and numb for the next couple of hours or even for the next few days, depending on how deep the damage is. It was almost as if someone had sucked out my soul.

So all along, all I was doing was protecting myself by being so hard on myself just because I wanted to appear strong. So look deep within you, what is causing you to be angry? And not only that, how is your body compensating for that strong emotion- Anger? Also keep a check if you have been experiencing any digestive problems, anxiety issues, frequent headaches, high blood pressure, depression, insomnia, and even skin problems. All these are nothing but physical symptoms of anger.

If you notice any of these reoccurring in your daily lives and have had prolonged occurrences then it’s time to find out the deep-rooted reason. As

everything stems from emotion. As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, the body becomes a vessel rejecting all those unprocessed and

underlooked emotions that you have been brushing under the carpet for a while.

Mine has been frequent stomach upsets and digestive problems. Pretty much my entire life, I have been nursing my stomach like a baby in a cradle, and just like that baby can get on your nerves sometimes. My stomach too gets on my nerves many times. Initially, I was all focused on eating right, drinking right, and trying to be careful about what I was putting in my body. But to be honest, sometimes I would also get so tired of it and just munch on anything and everything, of course, I was emotionally compensating. I was so tired of being careful all the time. Some of you might be able to relate to this. My body had been giving me signs for a very long time. Frequent bloating, cramps, stomach upsets, and whatnot. I feel like I must have had every possible ailment under the sun when it comes to stomach or gut issues. Well, not that you don’t have to be careful of what you are consuming daily. But also be aware and take a fook within and observe what is happening on the inside too.

So despite my serious careful attempts, I was unable to solve my problem. So, I decided to try alternative medicine and that probes you to look deep within. And there it was, the doctor concluded and said Ma’am you have anger issues, and more importantly, looks like you suppress your anger! When I heard this, I was puzzled, and confused, trying to connect the dots but wasn’t sure how was he concluding this. I did acknowledge and expressed that “Yes, I do tend to get angry sometimes but I think it’s in control now”. Well, it did not make much sense to me then and I agreed to take the medication as I was tired and desperately wanted some relief. A month into my medication, I experienced not one but a few full-blown episodes of arguments with my family, and my stomach flipped the next day while I was nursing it this time, boom there it was. The feeling of protecting myself took the forefront which in turn made me lash out resulting in my stomach acting up yet again. But this time my realization was deep. I was suddenly able to connect all the dots.

So what has been the learning here? Be mindful of your emotions including your anger. Don’t think of it like this devil or negative emotion that you need to get rid of. Just like all the other emotions Joy, sadness, happiness, Fear, disgust, surprise, and trust, anger too is an important one. Don’t suppress it, don’t demean it but embrace it.